By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.
I never make stupid mistakes, only very clever ones.
When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…”
I am not fat, I am just. Easier to see.
Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
You can do anything, but not everything.
That moment when even Caps Lock can’t express your anger.
When you drop your phone, your heart hits the ground before your phone does.
I’m pretty sure my prayers go directly to God’s spam folder.
I like children. Properly cooked.
Need Love? … No… I would prefer vodka!
I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.
God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
I don’t make mistakes, I date them.
I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
I wake up when I can’t hold my pee in any longer.
Kidnapping? I prefer the term “surprise adoption”.
The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding.
I look at people sometimes and think… Really? That’s the sperm that won.
You’re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
Relationships are a lot like Algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Good girls are bad girls, who never get caught.
When in doubt, mumble.
Be what you want to be, not what other wants to see.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Sometimes you just need some space… to fart.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
Do what is “Right”, not what is “Easy”.
If you hurt my best friend, I will make your death look like an accident.
Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”.
All girls are my sisters except you.
They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
If you’re texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual.
Hey, I found your Nose; it was in my business again.
If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.
I am not lazy, I just rest before I tired.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you can’t change a Girl… change the Girl.
I had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?
Think twice before you speak, you’d be able to say something more Insulting.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
At least mosquitoes are attracted to me.
If there is no chocolate in heaven…”I AM NOT GOING”.
She is so fake that she should have two Facebook accounts; one for each face!
The longer the title the less important the job.
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
I’m not perfect, I am original.
God made every person different, He just got tired by the time he got to china.
If “Plan A” didn’t work. Don’t worry; the alphabet has 25 more letters.
My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.
Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.
You don’t realize how many clothes you have, until you wash them.
Dry fruits are just fruits that have become senior citizens.
God must love stupid people- he made so many!
Sometimes the only one, who can appreciate you, is you.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived in that situation.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
How do people write an auto biography? I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday.
I didn’t change, I just woke up.
All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.
I Was Born Cool, Global Warming Made Me Hot.
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
The greatest pleasure in Life is doing what people say you can’t do.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
If girls could read minds… Every second a man would get slapped.
You don’t have to like me after all, I’m not a Facebook status.
Do it today, It might be illegal tomorrow.
Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying “OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM”
Silence is better than lies.
When a woman says WHAT? It’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
I love my six packs so much; I protect it with a layer of fat.
The only thing I gained so far in 2015 is weight.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
You are so awesome that, my middle finger salutes you.
We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Don’t steal, the government hates competition.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
I never make the same mistake twice. Three or four times maybe. But never twice.
Weird is a side effect of awesome.
I am not failed, my success is just postponed.
I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ I click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Until I was thirteen I thought my name was ‘Shut up’.
Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your wife.
That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.
I don’t always have time to study… but when I do, I don’t.
I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
Some people just need a High-Five, on the face.
My girlfriend is like my iPad… I don’t have an iPad.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he needs more proof.
Before you judge me, Make sure that you’re perfect.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Try to say the letter “M” without your lips touching.
I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something.
When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you a waiter?
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Dear Google, Please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing and suggesting?
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
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“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
“If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” – Yogi Berra
“There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley
“Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent.” – Langston Coleman
“Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” – Kyle Chandler
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Schulz
“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” – Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats.” – Voltaire
“When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” – Sydney Harris
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost
“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw
“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” – Mark Twain
“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke
“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” – Maureen Dowd
“It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“The key to success is not through achievement but through enthusiasm.” – Malcolm Forbes
“I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” – Louis Agassiz
“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
“When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best – that is inspiration.” – Robert Bresson
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” – Mae West
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go.” – Dr. Seuss
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” – Unknown
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain
“Life is like a sewer – what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer
“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.” – Isaac Asimov
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing; that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.” – Marie Osmond
“I have a simple philosophy: Fill what is empty. Empty what is full. Scratch where it itches.” – Alice Roosevelt Longworth
. “Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.” – Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
“You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.” – Sam Levenson
“Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” – Franklin P. Jones
“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” – Woody Allen
“The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.”
“Dear life, when I said: ‘Can my day get any worse?’ It was rhetorical, not a challenge.”
“Cleaning up is just putting stuff in less obvious places.”
“I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.”
“In m defense, I was left unsupervised.”
“Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.”
I walk around like everything is fine. But deep down, inside my show, my sock is sliding off.”
“I think my guardian angel drinks.”
“So it turns out that being an adult is really just Googling how to do stuff.”
“I don’t think there will be enough coffee or middle fingers for this Monday.”
“Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping!”
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
– Thomas Eddison
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? – George Carli
If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big. – Donald Trump
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg
“You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.” — Sam Levenson
“It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare.” — Lisa Lieberman-Wang
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain
“I have to be successful because I like expensive things.” — Lisa Lieberman-Wang
“Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.” — Harry Emerson Fosdick
I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life. – Karan Patel
“Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.“ – Robert Downey Jr.
“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.” – Terry Pratchett
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin
“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” – Albert Einstein
“I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.” – John Green
“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.” – Ethel Barrymore
“A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.” – Frank Zappa
. “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie
“Aspire to inspire before we expire.” – Eugene Bell Jr
“I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.” – Edgar Allan Poe
“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!” – Dr. Seuss
“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”
– Charles J. Sykes
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost
“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.” – Woody Allen
“Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished – If you’re alive it isn’t.” – Richard Bach
“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” – W. H. Auden
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
“Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.” – Robert Brault
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”– Andy Rooney
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
– Ann Landers
. “The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”– Bertrand Russell
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”– Bernard Baruch
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”– Bill Watterson
“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”– Bill Vaughan
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”– Charlie Chaplin
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”– Clint Eastwood
“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”– Charles Wadsworth
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”– Cullen Hightower
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder
“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.”– Drake