Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.

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I feel the best when I am happy.

Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?

If I keep paying attention, I’m going to be in debt!

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.

Buy our alarm clock and you will sleep soundly.

Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!

I’m trying to think how I can think of what I want to think.

Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’?

If you have an issue, get a tissue.

Stop the earth from spinning, I want to get off!

A joke is a very serious thing.

When I first saw Batman, I was expecting to see a baseball movie.

Newspaper ad: Hiring clowns, must be serious.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories…

Life is a pretty cheezy game, but at least it has good graphics.

I can’t wait for that to never happen.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I like life. It’s something to do.

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Money doesn’t make happiness, it buys it already made.

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.

Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it’s only a poster on a wall.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

If there is a “WILL”, there are 500 relatives.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

I slipped on a banana peel and I fell in love with the person who helped me up.

Store sign: Why go somewhere else and waste your money? Come here!

The best way to show a giraffe your love is to knit a scarf for it.

That’s the secret to life… replace one worry with another….

My husband is like Math, can’t be contradicted.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date.

Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.

I don’t care when people honk at me, but when geese do, I get out of the way!