Sometimes you succeed…. and other times you learn.

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I’m not online, it’s just an optical illusion.

Don’t be stupid, it might make you famous.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

The world today doesn’t make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do?

You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?

After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.

If you can’t find your better half, try finding your better two quarters.

You already know something you don’t even know that you know.

In my house dirty dishes are like rabbits, they keep multiplying.

Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!

Everyone wants your happiness. Don’t let them take it!

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.

I am on a 20 day diet, so far I’ve lost 10 days.

Some days, you’re the pigeon, some days you’re the statue, just live with it.

Let’s have a beer together, you can open it and I will drink it.

The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’

Intelligence is chasing me, but I’m beating it so far.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Growing up is amazing, until you get old!

I fear one day I’ll meet God, he’ll sneeze and I won’t know what to say.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

If life is not smiling at you, give it a good tickling.

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Everyone wants your best! Don’t let them take it away from you.

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

The worst thing I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that.

Always run away from temptations… but slowly, so they can catch up to you.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

If there’s no love in the world,… let’s make some.

I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.

The only English words I saw in Japan were Sony and Mitsubishi.

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The last thing that blew my mind was the wind.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Luckiness top moment: To get run over by an ambulance.

When is yelling during a robbery a bad idea? When you have gold teeth.

Could you please be as silent as the G in lasagna?