Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.

Newspaper Ad: Parachute for sale, used once, never opened!!

Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.

I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t like the thought of being gone so long!

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I’m so sorry about what I said when I was hungry.

Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m finishing what I did yesterday.

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

The most fun things in life are either immoral, illegal or they make you fat.

I don’t work on weekends, or any other day that ends with “Y”.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Silence is golden. Too bad nobody is buying.

I love my computer because all my friends live inside it!

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Don’t ask me anything, and I won’t tell you any lies.

The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else?

To make time fly, throw your watch out the window.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

Never test how deep the water is with both feet.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.

He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

After (M)onday and (T)uesday comes WTF !

Those who snore always fall asleep first.

The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.

When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The richer you get, the more expensive happiness becomes.

I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing.

I’m in desperate need of a 6 month vacation… twice a year.

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice’ ?

I’m not suffering from insanity, I’m enjoying every minute of it.

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.

You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death.

Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he’s lost?

You never run out of things that can go wrong.